I was going through some very old emails recently and tears came into my eyes. Don’t ask me why because there was no particular reason. It has been 3 years since my last post, but those memories made me want to put my thoughts down and share them through my blog. And I do promise, I will be back blogging as I will be back doing many things that make me happy and I had put them on hold.
So back to my thoughts…
There are some people in our lives that even when you just hear their name you start trembling and you unconsciously look around in the crowd looking for their face and sometimes you think you might have even spotted them somewhere - a familiar face among strangers. And then, you start feeling the same way like you did last time. Butterflies in your stomach, a faster heartbeat and you can’t even feel your legs.
It doesn’t make much difference really if it has been a long time, since the last time or even if it is all water under the bridge or if time has healed your "wounds". You can still recall everything and more importantly you can still feel exactly the same way. That’s because there are some people that we never get over and we always carry them with us. Those people embody all those things we thought we had made ours, but they have never been ours. All those things we wished, would have happened, but never did or never happened the way they should.
Those people made you experience the strongest feelings in your life. You had seen a version of yourself that you had never seen before or knew that it actually existed. You had surrendered yourself to them without second thoughts or any doubts, without thinking what’s right or wrong. Because you fell for them or you simply fancied them a lot. You had even longed for them more that you could handle and you made fool of yourself or messed it up, because you weren’t thinking straight. They felt the same way back then and also messed it up. If it was mutual then believe me it was love, if not it was a stupidity and both sides should be blamed for all the mess caused.
Your chemistry was on fire, you completed each other, you could pass electricity to each other by touching your finger tips, you could read each others' minds, you admired them and they admired you back. The moments you had shared together are the most valuable memories well stored in your mind and close to your heart. There was so much tension, that you’d never managed to experience again ever since, a passion that you’d never known it exists in real life. No one else, that came along fulfilled you in the same way, even when they tried. Even when you tried your best, it was just to fool yourself that you had moved on.
So if everything was so ideal and mutual what went wrong, you would ask. Do you have an answer? Yes, I do. So, life came in the way, my dear reader. Sometimes it was bad timing, sometimes weird circumstances complicated things and sometimes one of you got frightened. You two experienced such strong feelings for each other back then, but in the end you never made it to be together. You never had an actual relationship, you never tried to live "it" and to get it out of your system. You never really got to see how things would be like and your brain "mourns" not only a person, but a possibility. The brain does not know the difference between fantasy and reality. Nevertheless, one way or another all relationships are subjected to ‘’wear and tear’’. Nothing is forever…
The biggest loves of our lives – as we categorised them so- never end up in a relationship. In Greek, it’s been said that "this kind of loves never wake up in the same bed". Sometimes, they are just stories at the back of your head that you prefer to keep for yourself, even hide them from yourself. But there is no unethical love. Sometimes, those loves are the most beautiful thing, we have experienced or we will ever experience, our own madness that could never survive such a conventional life. In any case, these people introduced us to love, to unconditional love, they taught us how to love selflessly without knowing about it and then they chose to leave short after.
These people are inhabited under our skin and never left from there, even when we tried millions of ways to get rid of them, to forget them. That’s the reason why, this kind of loves are the ones that never fade away, never fizzle out. Because they never actually settled, they never found shelter, they never docked. They were doomed to born and die and in order to survive they "chose" to nest inside our hearts. You never easily forget them, because you grew up thanks to them and you also learnt a lot of things about yourself and life. Because of them, you are the person you are today.
Maybe you don’t talk about them anymore, maybe you change the subject when a conversation is about to go that way and you just turn your head looking the other way pretending that you don’t really care. But you still feel that familiar numbness, those butterflies messing around in your stomach. It doesn’t matter how many times you will kiss someone else, you will always seek for their lips instead. The number of different beds you will sleep in, doesn’t matter because you will always wish that it was them you see next to you when you wake up in the morning. It doesn’t matter how many steps you will take forward, unwittingly you will always end up going back.
Those people that we had fallen head over heels with and we only experienced just a "nearly together" thing, are the biggest "curse", but at the same time the greatest redemption. They encapsulate the ifs and the buts that still haunt you, the 3rd or 4th glass of wine, all those sleepless nights, the numerous cigarette butts in your ashtray, the countless tears... If you have never experienced something similar, you will never understand what I am talking about or how painful it can be and you will probably think that I am exaggerating or that you can’t make any sense of what I saying here.
But for those who have experienced a similar story, they already know. Unfortunately, they also know that things won’t change. The ship has sailed... Life has moved forward, everything has its time and everything ends, sometimes even before it starts...
So back to my thoughts…
There are some people in our lives that even when you just hear their name you start trembling and you unconsciously look around in the crowd looking for their face and sometimes you think you might have even spotted them somewhere - a familiar face among strangers. And then, you start feeling the same way like you did last time. Butterflies in your stomach, a faster heartbeat and you can’t even feel your legs.
It doesn’t make much difference really if it has been a long time, since the last time or even if it is all water under the bridge or if time has healed your "wounds". You can still recall everything and more importantly you can still feel exactly the same way. That’s because there are some people that we never get over and we always carry them with us. Those people embody all those things we thought we had made ours, but they have never been ours. All those things we wished, would have happened, but never did or never happened the way they should.
Those people made you experience the strongest feelings in your life. You had seen a version of yourself that you had never seen before or knew that it actually existed. You had surrendered yourself to them without second thoughts or any doubts, without thinking what’s right or wrong. Because you fell for them or you simply fancied them a lot. You had even longed for them more that you could handle and you made fool of yourself or messed it up, because you weren’t thinking straight. They felt the same way back then and also messed it up. If it was mutual then believe me it was love, if not it was a stupidity and both sides should be blamed for all the mess caused.
Your chemistry was on fire, you completed each other, you could pass electricity to each other by touching your finger tips, you could read each others' minds, you admired them and they admired you back. The moments you had shared together are the most valuable memories well stored in your mind and close to your heart. There was so much tension, that you’d never managed to experience again ever since, a passion that you’d never known it exists in real life. No one else, that came along fulfilled you in the same way, even when they tried. Even when you tried your best, it was just to fool yourself that you had moved on.
So if everything was so ideal and mutual what went wrong, you would ask. Do you have an answer? Yes, I do. So, life came in the way, my dear reader. Sometimes it was bad timing, sometimes weird circumstances complicated things and sometimes one of you got frightened. You two experienced such strong feelings for each other back then, but in the end you never made it to be together. You never had an actual relationship, you never tried to live "it" and to get it out of your system. You never really got to see how things would be like and your brain "mourns" not only a person, but a possibility. The brain does not know the difference between fantasy and reality. Nevertheless, one way or another all relationships are subjected to ‘’wear and tear’’. Nothing is forever…
The biggest loves of our lives – as we categorised them so- never end up in a relationship. In Greek, it’s been said that "this kind of loves never wake up in the same bed". Sometimes, they are just stories at the back of your head that you prefer to keep for yourself, even hide them from yourself. But there is no unethical love. Sometimes, those loves are the most beautiful thing, we have experienced or we will ever experience, our own madness that could never survive such a conventional life. In any case, these people introduced us to love, to unconditional love, they taught us how to love selflessly without knowing about it and then they chose to leave short after.
These people are inhabited under our skin and never left from there, even when we tried millions of ways to get rid of them, to forget them. That’s the reason why, this kind of loves are the ones that never fade away, never fizzle out. Because they never actually settled, they never found shelter, they never docked. They were doomed to born and die and in order to survive they "chose" to nest inside our hearts. You never easily forget them, because you grew up thanks to them and you also learnt a lot of things about yourself and life. Because of them, you are the person you are today.
Maybe you don’t talk about them anymore, maybe you change the subject when a conversation is about to go that way and you just turn your head looking the other way pretending that you don’t really care. But you still feel that familiar numbness, those butterflies messing around in your stomach. It doesn’t matter how many times you will kiss someone else, you will always seek for their lips instead. The number of different beds you will sleep in, doesn’t matter because you will always wish that it was them you see next to you when you wake up in the morning. It doesn’t matter how many steps you will take forward, unwittingly you will always end up going back.
Those people that we had fallen head over heels with and we only experienced just a "nearly together" thing, are the biggest "curse", but at the same time the greatest redemption. They encapsulate the ifs and the buts that still haunt you, the 3rd or 4th glass of wine, all those sleepless nights, the numerous cigarette butts in your ashtray, the countless tears... If you have never experienced something similar, you will never understand what I am talking about or how painful it can be and you will probably think that I am exaggerating or that you can’t make any sense of what I saying here.
But for those who have experienced a similar story, they already know. Unfortunately, they also know that things won’t change. The ship has sailed... Life has moved forward, everything has its time and everything ends, sometimes even before it starts...